Amber Romance

Just when you se hope shining down on you the darkness blows over your hope.
I feel like such a failure, for I cant do the things I need to do. Im sitting here on the back porch trying to scrub the designs on my shoe off so I don’t have to buy new ones. I feel pathetic because I cant even buy a pair of shoes. That I only have 23 dollars to get by the next few weeks for food or anything. I try to not think about it. I try to put my thoughts and worries in a closet. And ill just run far away, to a place where nothing could reach me. To my own sanctuary. I beginning to hate this life here. I cant be with the one I love. I cant ever survive. The world keeps shutting door after door in my face. One after the other. Stressed more than anything. Growing physically exhausted, mentally strained and depressed. I feel like sitting in this room silently writing to let all of my emotions out. Where no one can see through my walls so they don’t know im a mess. I don’t know what to call home anymore as I cross the high way to the sidewalk. I wonder what its like to lay in the middle of the road. What it feels like to jump from a bridge.
I just don’t know what to anymore. Walking the streets, smoking a cigarette wonder if it ever gets any better. I wanted to know what it felt like to stand on the railroad tracks. Knowing its as stupid as it sounds; I walked away. There are far more things to live for rather than feeling your stomach churn as you stand on those railroad tracks that begin to shake. Collapsing into tears by the drive way; I sit. It seems like the only one knows is a homeless cat that comes around. Jason scared him away when doesn’t even know, I feel like he’s my only friend. Everyone needs love even the homeless cat. I wish I could save him but I cant even save myself. And as I walk up the stairs to my room. Shut the door, turn on the music. Kim knocks and comes in asking if everything is okay? I look at her and tell her everything is fine. I hate to lie to her but I don’t feel like sharing with her m failure attempts. Whats going on inside my head. And she walked out without a word. She wouldn’t possibly know that everything is killing me inside. And if she did, I don’t know to say to that. Music isn’t even an escape anymore. I cant drink it all away. I just have to face it head on when really I just want to run the other direction. Im scared more than anything. I don’t want to be alone. I have all these thoughts jumbling inside my mind; a war. A battle of worries and problems that I cant solve. In the means I have a big test tomorrow and at the looks of it im not getting much sleep. Im too upset to eat. Plus I don’t want to eat too much for the small amount of food has to last two weeks. I try not to give into my hunger. I try to sleep it off. Sleep is my only escape. But we all have to wake up sometime. Im just so exhausted of worrying. I refuse anyone’s help and im okay with it. Im okay with at least having food. Im okay with smoking till im sick. Im okay with feeling lost and hopeless. Anytime I play the guitar I wonder what my grandma feels. If shes really standing there listening to the words my voice stretches to get out. If she knew all the things I’ve done and been through since I left, would she still be proud? Would she still love me? When am I going to be able to forgive my dad for leaving. When he didn’t even know my smile faded with his absence. And it took me a long time to convince myself that it was never my fault. That the big holes in the walls was not anger caused by me and that when he left, I thought I was the cause. I wonder if he was ever happy when I was spending Christmas in a shelter. Hiding from him and his anger swings. Smelling the smell of old lady perfume for my present. I was silenced. I never really talked about what happened what I saw what it made me feel. Its amazing how much someone can make you scared in a place you are suppose to call home. Isn’t home suppose to be a safe haven? He just left. Left like he didn’t have a child to take care of. Like I was some burden. I felt like it, and he shows up wanting to be apart of my life and it eats at my skin. I feel like screaming inside to just forgive hime before I regret it when he dies. Im trying to to not think about it. And I just don’t understand why the alcohol was the most important thing in my moms life. Why did she blow me off or anything important to do with me because of her volunteer work. And I let pattys words slip inside my head like a fool. How im nothing but an arrogant brat. how she sits there looks me in the eyes and betrays me and our own family to fufill her needs. With crack hits in the bathroom and drinking the bottle dry. Why did she slap me when she was drunk when I was only three? I wonder if she ever knows that I remember. Why did she run down the hallway and shake my body under force. Yelling senseless words that I blocked out. Thinking of my own. And its sad to say as crazy as she is when shes sober, I feel shes the only one I can connect with in the family. And the past few days I’ve woken up and looked in the mirror and felt nothing more but fucking ugly. And there was nothing that could cover it up. I feel hideous. I want to break the mirror. I just want to feel beautiful. Somehow. Some way. Other than makeup. Im just so tired of having it all on my shoulders. All the random thoughts, memories, flashbacks, and dreams. Im sick of worrying about money about school about transport. About death, about hurt. Its like a broken window that’s cracking everywhere and im standing there with my hands up against the glass trying anything to keep it together. I just want someone to talk to who could understand me because a cat can never understand my words. I feel so stressed so lost. Im sorry that I wrote you this long letter ranting about the thoughts in my head but you’re the only one I can talk to.

i would spend my time with everyone i loved, trying to give them the best memories in their life.

<sub>"missing you burns a hole inside of me that only gets deeper"


thats all i have to say.
it doesnt matter anyways.</sub>

_{This reminds me so much of a part of me that died.}

a gust of wind swarms around me,
making this house creek for all its age.
Trembling as im overwhelmed.
Its all out of my control.
I tried to convince myself that if it was fate it would happen but not having control over my own fate scares me.
Underneath the pressure that binds me between the walls and this sturdy furniture.
The screeching of the wind builds up and tears it down.
The water pours building up into this lake. Were drowning in fays sorrow.
Having no other voices but the warnings on the tv.
And finally I relax in this uncomfortable position only hearing the voices inside my head and this distant heart beat fade in and out.
as an unexpected ring from the phone in my hand sounds,
its this voice telling me all the things I don’t need to hear right now.
She claims she’s sorry for what she’s about to do but she wouldnt be doing it if she was truely sorry. She screams of how shes going to make her pay for all that she’s worth. She has convinced herself that she is doing good by this, when its only making matters worse.
And at this moment with the storm, being frightened, and hearing her yell in my ears.
all I wanted to do was cry.
I hung up the phone and sopped my eyes out for I am alone.

you speak so eloquently as my voice trembles for the words.
you find it oh so amusing, to see me drowning for what im worth.
she tells me it sounds like your learning,
what your heart yearns.
but this doesnt bring me close to you
no it doesnt bring me closer
and my voice dies trying to reach out to you

after all of this pull and let go
ive begun to see what kind of person you are
your nothing but HURT.

well the hurricane or tropical storm is suppose to hit jacksonville today and let me tell you i feel like i can fly outside. the wind rattles the door constantly. my roomates are out of town for the next two weeks and its so quiet i cant bear it. i really wish i had some company. im feeling kinda down today, i just feel like drinking and having some fun. but at the looks of things its a party for one.

so i recently moved to jacksonville florida which was 2 hours away from where i did live. im roomates with my sister and her boyfriend and i love it! everything is so close to me its not even funny. right around the block there is a bar called jack rabbits which has live bands that come and perform. some awesome little coffee shops and panera bread which id love to go and read a book in. i can take the sky way to almost anywhere only paying 50 cents one way. jacksonville landing is fucking unbelieveable when its game days and such a beautiful site at night with it being right on the water. i was walking there the other night after getting some dinner and on the way back to the sky way along the water i noticed everyone out there was with someone. i felt so alone. i miss having someone to share those lovely little moments with. i cant help it, im a hopeless romantic. but back to the city, crazy jobs here that i cant wait to enjoy. ha not really. i ran into three gay girls today walking down the street it was very weird they just stared at me. the only thing i dont like about being here is that i dont really know anyone and i wish i did so i can enjoy these amazing things to do with them. i miss my friends extremely. im just glad i have at least a computer to communicate with everyone now. hopefully if you live in florida and are coming this way we should meet up. i could use long talks with someone i know. anyways good night im tired, i have a big day ahead of me filled with college and job hunting plus some exploring.

packing my bags once more. i never thought it would feel so depressing to leave. im scared because im leaving everything behind. i have no clue where ill end up but i know i have to do this. i got drunk with my best friend kim last night to enjoy some time together before we part. shes moving out of the state for a year when im just moving about 2 hours away. we took some pictures and i attempted to try and teach her how to play something on the guitar. listening to our old song we loved call medicate by breaking benjamin.

never thought it would be this hard to walk away but eventually it will feel right in the end.

ill miss you all until i get another computer :]

well i think i got one of the worst new yet in this whole streak of horrible things. so my grandma passed away today. im devastated. im going out to drink tonight in gainesville, you'll find me there. hopefully i meet someone amazing.

<sub>To: the girl who got inside my head



As intoxicated as my mind could possibly be, your still there clearly.
It may be a false image of my perception but inside this heart your very much alive.
Theres nights where I could sit here and my memories bring you to life.
And in one simple touch, trying to reach out to you. every things scatters helplessly.
Breaks apart. Shatters and falls like mist on my floor.
Indignation is all I can feel at the moment. regret.
And your probably just fine. Your probably okay now while I’m feeling inadequate.
But do you know what it feels like have no value to someone.
Do you know what it feels like to be worthless to the one you love.
Feeling incompetent and disconsolate. Theres nothing much left that I can do.
Im useless.
Im giving up on my dreams to be something im not so sure is healthy for me.
Im doing everything in my power to live. To feel worthy. To be loved.
And in the end of the day, its nothing without you.
my thoughts are driving me crazy.
They speak with blissful memories you wont want to remember.
tearing my insides apart to figure out what’s wrong, why I’m not worth the breath of words
or the predilection.
hang myself peacefully with this love that hangs around my neck.
But that only puts more distance between you and i. And you’ll think she was filled with nothing but stupidity. But in the end maybe you’ll be happy. Im screaming to drown it out. Drinking is the only thing to calm me down. Stop my heart from feeling remorse. Breathe a little to know what im worth.
I don’t think ive ever felt so down hearted.
I’ve never scared myself more than this.
My therapist only tells me pointless information. It beats with no clarity what so ever.
Words are my only escape.
But not anymore.</sub>

i just came home from some party that i went to with some friends. i had an amazing time and it was great to get out of the house and meet new people. im still kinda drunk but im ready to go to sleep.
had a long day. :]

_{Sometimes I wonder what I am to you.
Worth the time, or worth the heart.
It seems that time is never on my side.
Time after time passes and you’ll never even make the attempt.
I’m beginning to see what I mean to you.
I’m realizing how much love really feels.
I’m seeing how much my heart gives and is let down.
I was so wrong to think I belonged here.
The truth is I belong no where and you’re my home that I can no longer come home to.
Im no longer welcome there. And im tired of fighting love, so this hurt wins.
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever remember me.
Sometimes I wonder if you thought about giving me a minute of your time
And you show up to find me dead here on my floor.
Would you regret the things you’ve said.
The things you’ve never spoke. Would you remember me.
Would you save me. Am I worth that much, am I worth it.
Do you ever stare into your own eyes and wonder what your doing.
Why cant you let your heart love what it wants to.
Do you wonder what’s going on inside my head.
Or whether I’m sleeping at night peacefully as your awake.
Your never awake, your only a zombie to the world.
And you sleep while I’m awake, you sleep sound with no memory of me.
Am I nothing but the girl in the pictures.
The girl who broke you heart and made you love.
The girl who wrote these letters you have.
Do you read them all the time, do they make you sad.
And what about my voice, do you remember the sound.
Only if you knew what it felt like to not be wanted.
Do you know what it feels like to not be worth it.
Do you know? does it kill you, does it burn your insides like it does mine?
Does it make you wish you could escape?
And it hurts to say:
I already know you don’t love me anymore.
Your actions speak louder than your words.
Since your words barely speak what you’d like to say.
Will you remember me?}

Today and yesterday: I’ve been really stressed out lately. Doing things that I shouldn’t do to feel anything. I just want to mean something to some one. I don’t want to be last on the list. I want someone who can take this all away from me. Let my walls crumble so easily. I’m tired of not being worth anything. I’m sick of sticking out this life because ill leave people hurt in the end. Look at my heart, its slowly beating. It’s bruised and broken. Scarred and dismayed. I feel like running and just keep running with no attempts to look back. Just keep running and maybe ill be worth something. Maybe I won’t be a regret or a mistake. So since I wasn’t feeling well my two best friends came over and we ended up drinking at my house. Trying to figure out how to play this game life without the instructions. Writing music and listening to the screams and breakdowns from: from autumn to ashes. I ended up crying and having to leave to the bathroom before anyone could see that it was affecting me. We all ended up passing out. 3 people to one bed, it was kind of cramped a bit. I kept getting pushed off. Morning came and we spent hours trying to figure out something to do in the afternoon rain. We decided we were going to go fishing. Packed up the car and drove to my family’s lake house where there was a bunch of drunks. It was lightning but we still went out to the lake trying to catch fish. I have not gone fishing since I was a kid. Even though I hate fish and ill never eat it plus its wrong for the animals. It was kind of fun. The boat ended up breaking and it was really slow to get across the lake. We ran into a nesting alligator and freaked out all trying to get into the boat with all these hooks flying everywhere. Trying to move the boat but it wasn’t moving fast lol. We ended up stealing a paddleboat and using it as a tow. All hyped up. We sucked at fishing I broke my line on the boat some how. So we gave up. The other paddle boat we stole ended up being possessed and wanted to go a different way than what we wanted to, and would move the steering stick by itself. We sucked at being pirates too. We were going to sink the ship but Kim and I decided not to. After 4 hours we finally made it back to my house soaking wet. Drove to Kim’s house and her step dad was being a bitch. I hate the man personally from what he has done to me in the past. Took a random trip to Melrose :] taking crazy pictures. I ended up feeling really bad and coming back to my house. Now I’m lonely and emotionally not stable. I could use someone to just take my mind away from it all. Care to make me smile and make my day?

some ice coffee, screaming music, and good laughs.

Everything is falling into place. Coming into realization with myself. What I’m worth. What’s wrong and what’s right. Resetting my morals and standards of this heart. this heart that beats broken. But I’m standing now, I’m ready to love you once more. To risk my heart for you just once more. If cutting out my heart was capable without killing myself and not so gory, it would be in your hands. Strangle it, love it, have it. And I don’t speak these words as being selfish because if it was a choice of your life being taken away, id rather take it for you. Your words are silent and your heart is distant. All I ever hear anymore is nothing but trauma. Screaming in my ears of people suffering along with my own heart. And I wish I could save everyone’s life. I wish I could give that to them but its out of my hands. Everything is out of my control and its difficult realizing I have no effect. All I can do is live and give them the best memories. And I don’t feel like flying once more to Kansas City but I know that day is coming soon. I’m sick of losing people that I love and its killing me inside not being able to have you to talk to. You said you would always be there. Well I need you. I can’t write better clarity than this. I’m to the point where I don’t know what to do with myself. How to deal with this pressure. I feel my silence coming on, I feel this break down slowly increasing with every dramatic change and obstacle that’s thrown in my way. Some of them I can manage to get around. I’m falling down and I wish you were here to pick me up. To hear my words of what’s going on inside my mind. I know what’s ahead of me but the things I just found out I don’t think I’m ready for it. I wish I could just run away, far away. But then I want to stay because I don’t want to say goodbye. I hate saying goodbye. And I knew when I was dancing in the snow that this was coming soon. But I didn’t think I would have to prepare myself this much for the heartache. I don’t want to lose anyone else but its slipping out of hands. And there’s literally nothing I can do to spare her breath. And it hurts to know that. It hurts to say I love you for the last time before I can never say anything you can hear again. But things have there place in time. I just wish it wasn’t now.

Running through the fields of grass. Trying to run away from everything. Trying to escape for this slight moment where I didn’t feel like facing another day without your love. Even though it gracefully hangs from my neck. But this only a reminder. I’m lost between what’s real and what you feel. But I still keep running. I’m losing my breath slowly but some how I still find the motivation to keep up the pace. Eventually collapsing to the ground with the loss of breath. I remember to breathe, I only breathe for you. only for you. trying to put this puzzle together when its all fallen apart. This place where I fell upon is like heaven but it only rains here. Those sweet tears that you’ve been crying secretly. We drown this world in our sorrow. This vodka has been a long lost friend. It now tastes like water. But I sit here writing this in attempts to reach out to myself. To fix what’s broken and left of what remains.

_{Our house is dark. The sun has already set and the moons glow is not enough to fill these halls with light. The voices argue over and over again. Repeating what was once already said. and I ask her why are you so mad. She reply’s because I don’t have money to hand him for the electric bill. And each light turns off with the frustrating yells that echo my ears. Bouncing off the walls from where I stand. Hiding behind a corner where you can only hear me breathing. I’m invisible. No one knows where I stand. As the voices pass me from time to time. With threats of leaving. The discussions of packing up and moving since we are no longer welcome here. Sometimes in her words I swear I don’t exists. Maybe it’s just a brief moment that she forgets I’m here. When other moments I’m a part of her life. And the hour glass is turned with the time counting down once more. Deadlines to be met again. Before we all cry in the dark.}

_{She sits up perfectly. Looking around her room, having encounter’s with these vastly shadows. But she’s still alone. The silence shrieks at night as the moonlight pours from out of her window. She’s still waiting for the day where her nights are no longer nightmares. Where she could sleep peacefully once more. Her hands grasping the heart around her neck carefully. But the whispers in her mind keep filling her head with disappointments. Speaking the truth that she wants so much to deny. Her heart is so useless. The feelings it use to paint are alone. Her hope is lost and the one thing that could restore it doesn’t even know how much she means to her. The nights turn to days and the seasons change without a word. And she gives up. She use to be so strong, never knowing how much love could make you weak. You don’t care about yourself, you care more about the person you fell in love with. Yourself is the last thing on a list, and love is at the top. She sends letters through the wind. Hoping they whisper her sweet love in your ear. Hoping it could leave you with a little reminder. Hoping one day she’ll be worth the thoughts. She can not swim the ocean nor build a bridge strong enough for you cross but she can try and that’s what she did. So her attempt failed but one day when she’s gone you’ll hate the fact she’s stuck in your head. Maybe when your ready to face things you’ll be strong enough to approach what you really want. You cant run forever without making regrets. And even running from trying not to regret ends in a loss as well. One day ill be worth the struggle to you. one day missing me wont be enough.}

_{for those who are wondering what my hair looked like before.}


before....





After...